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Episode 14 Transcript

Arivee Vargas: Hi I'm Arivee Vargas. I believe we're all so powerful beyond our wildest imaginations. We have the ability to overcome the fears, self-doubt, negative beliefs and all the other roadblocks that hold us back from having the life and career we really want and deserve. That's why I created the Humble Rising podcast.

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I want to help you get clear on what a joyful and fulfilling life and career looks like for you. And help you go after it with all you have. Each week, we'll talk to badass inspirational women sharing their journeys. We’ll dig into their successes, their failures, challenges, the different shifts, in their careers, in their personal lives and so much more. Be inspired, get motivated, and get ready to rise. This is the Humble Rising Podcast.

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Loly: Because I know it was gonna bring me joy and for so many time I’m willing to be uncomfortable. I'm willing to fail. I'm willing for people to make fun of me. I'm willing to start small, and I'm willing to do all of that because I know the result is going to be what I'm desiring right now, which is more joy and filming.

Arivee: This week I spoke to lawyer turned life and business coach Lorraine Martinez Bellamy, known as. Loly, I'm really excited to share this because Loly and I are both passionate about helping women get clarity on where they are, what they want and need, and all the fears and all the challenges that can get in their way. So, this episode is for you if you're stuck in a job, a career that isn't fulfilling, and you're looking for that clarity about how to move forward. Loly also helps multi passionate women start and grow businesses along their 9 to 5. So, we talked through the challenges women face when building that kind of side hustle. Loly coaching programs teach women how to become powerful decision makers. Ditch their self-doubt and all the overwhelmed to help them share their magic the world we touched on all of that in our conversation. I'm giving you a head up now though. This is a conversation between two coaches geeking out about this topic but take notes here because Loly outlines actionable strategies you can take right now. I love her perspective and the suggestions that she offers you. OK. And if you're listening around little ones, you might wanna grab your headphones because we use some adult language in this lot. With that, here is my conversation with Loly.

Hi, lovely. Thank you so much for being on the Humble Rising podcast. So great to be here with you today.

Loly: Thank you so much boo this has just been the perfect happenstance in my life this year.

Arivee: I'm so glad you're here. And so, everyone's really get to know you. So could you kind of take us back the story of your background and also how you came through the work that you do now.

Loly: Yeah. I love origin stories. So, I'm probably gonna give you guys more detail than you want, but I love hearing where people came from. So, I was born in Puerto Rico in Guama . My my parents moved to Connecticut when I was six months old, so I was fresh out go from tropical Wonderland to Connecticut, and I I was raised in the Hartford area and most of my life in Manchester, CT and I was the first of. That second set of children. So even though I'm technically a middle child, I'm the first of the second marriage, so I I'm 100% off of oldest child in the way that I live life. So always a nerd total bookworm to this day did well in school was like the smart one of the family. Uhm, (Arivee: yeah, I’m always putting that in quotes.) Yeah, I know. Quote UN quote. And just worked hard hustled. I really wanted to move away from home and my parents hadn't saved money for college or anything like that. So, I just remember being very diligent in high school To just get the best grades I could on and I got scholarship to UConn or I went there free between grants and scholarships and was a business major there. Loved college. I would do that

Arivee: For college students. They don't realize that this is like your time to try to figure out who you are. I mean, although I feel like I really figured that out in my 20s, maybe my late 20s, I was really like, oh, this is it, but I don't feel like. I knew that in college I was learning that in college.

Loly: Yeah, for sure. I think there's so much pressure to to figure things out, figure out what you wanna do for your career in the fact that we make such big decisions at such a young age about the rest of her life, it's crazy. (Arivee: Yes) it's crazy.

Arivee: And we and you know, this 'cause of your work. It doesn't have to be the only decision, right, or the the dispositive thing, right. I feel like students sometimes aren't guided by curiosity. They're guided by what they should be doing, what is quote UN quote, seen as like a stable job in the future.

Loly: Just thinking about our generation like now I have a sub daughter. My husband was a very young dad and a single dad for most of his of her life. So I have a 24 year old stepdaughter. I'm 37 guys. For the record, my husband is a little bit older than me, but not that much older, so I can see how their generation. It's a little different. They're last in different ways, but they do, I think, have more flexibility and are more curious about what actually make them happy, whereas I feel like with us it was kind of like, especially if you're first generation and you're the smart one of your family, it was like you're gonna pick the the safe bet in terms of financial stability in college and for me, I'm just thinking I'm gonna pick a professional degree so that I'm not graduating with like, a liberal arts degree and not knowing what I want to do going forward. So, I was a business major, had a great time in college, but I still wish that. I took a little more time to explore, or maybe it was less hard on myself about having it all figured out and knowing what I was gonna do next. Cause thinking about it now and you probably feel the same way about your college experience in 20s. I was like, Oh my God, I was so diligent. It was like so like clear on on what the next thing was. But I just had no idea what the next thing was what I really wanted.

Arivee: Yes. No, no, I think that's right. Because you don't question yourself because also I think that's cultural too, like. And you know me, I'm Dominican obviously. The daughter of Dominican immigrants. And it's like when you make a decision, you just move forward, you you have a problem. Move forward. You have your emotional. Suck it up. Move forward like there's you gotta move. You gotta go because my father is always say if you're not moving forward, you’re moving backwards. Now I apply that to everything in my life. But I don't think he would say I didn't say not to feel your feelings and say that no, he didn't say that. But you know, when you grow up in such a a home and a culture where it's you make a decision, you do it, you make a decision you move forward like there is no stagnant, you can't be stagnant. And I think the science from being stagnant. And thinking through something and questioning it to get more clarity.

Loly: Yeah. And I think we were raised especially, you know, those of you that have immigrant parents. It's just like a survival thing, right? So, a lot of our culture is really steeped in surviving, hitting the mark and hitting the next mark. And like being able to accumulate as much as you. While you can come and what I realized now that I'm in my 30s, cause my 20s were all about like, hustling and achieving stuff. But now that I'm in my 30s, I realized that survival and like being resilient shouldn't be your everyday goal right. Like it's met for times where you have to kick it into gear. Yeah, but as oppressed populations, I have, you know, been through a lot for generations. We've kind of adopted the survival. And for many people, it's still. Their daily bread, but we have, I think, as a people and as a collective adopted these survival mechanisms that are just our life now. They're not just reserved for the times where there's, you know, a family tragedy or there's, you know, an economic downturn or you lose your job or whatever? It's kind of just like every day you're you're like, surviving. (Arivee: Yeah.) And it takes so much energy to do that. And even for us where parents were definitely focused and working towards providing us a better life so that we had more choices even for us. And I'm sure you you probably feel like this we had to decondition or survival mechanisms. Yeah. So that we're like, we can actually breathe. Like I have money like I have money to pay for this. I have time off from work that I can take. Like it's almost like you don't automatically take advantage of the flexibility and abundance that our parents work so hard to make sure that we had. We're still like we gotta keep hustling, right?

Arivee: Oh my gosh. Yes. I just had another podcast episode on this where I talk about this, where there's this. I feel innately. And I think you're like, this to where you do have this innate ability to push yourself. To push yourself to keep pushing yourself and hustle hustle like you have that and the question is, how do you have that but and do the other things and in a way that is true to who you are. For me, I'm not a person that can, and I say I talk about this. I'm not a person that can just have a a baby and just do nothing but take care of my baby. That would drive me crazy. cause my brain is always going and I always wanna do things, you know, it's what works for you. But I do think there's this, you know, our upbringing is so crucial to that. And so central to that feeling of I need to keep going. I need to keep going. I need to keep achieving because I need to do this. For for them, and who am I without doing that? There is no question, right.

Loly: Like that's the question. Like when I step off the treadmill. And I think I had like that was the moment I had. So, after college, I went to law school, I moved to DC and lived in Baltimore for law school, then moved to DC for a few years. But very much like working, working, working, partying, partying, partying. And there was just this, like, constant go go go. And then when I moved back home to Connecticut, I started dating my now husband, Chris and we went to college together. But we're not friends in college and like, kind of met up otherwise. And we're like, oh, I was like, I hated my job in DC I was like, let me see what's available in Connecticut. Ended up at the nonprofit that I'm still at and love it.

Arivee: What were you doing in DC?

Loly: I was working for Social Security Administration. So, remember like the years that we writing decisions on Social Security claims, and it was like most soulless work ever, because basically you have no contact with other humans other than your coworkers are not really. You don't really feel like you're affecting any type of change or anything. And I think when you first come out of laws. Well you kind of have, you know, have ideas about what you wanna do? And it just was so boring anyway. But remember, when we graduated, there was like, no job. So, I was just happy to have a job.

Arivee: So, yeah, let's remind people, we graduated. It was in the middle of the economic recession. So, there were firms, even firms at that time, we're just slashing classes and laying people off field is really bad. (Loly: It was like Hunger Games.) It was, it was bad. So, it was very hard for you. But a lot of people graduated without jobs. Yeah.

Loly: Yeah. And I think the fact that I went to school and like in the DMV area hoped because the federal government's always hiring, so I ended up there and I was I love DC. I was happy to be there, but I was looking for a shift. I wanted to do, you know, more actual litigation work, more like community outreach and education. And they ended up landing the nonprofit I'm at and have been since, which really speaks to my strengths as an attorney, which is not, but I I have a brief due today and I'm like man. I like to be in core and do like actual oral argument and to like do presentations and you know, empower the Community to know their rights and stuff. But like the middle part, where's all the research and writing is just kind of like.

Arivee: The the vocal advocate like that.

Loly: Exactly. And it's the bulk of the work that we do. So, anybody who's thinking about law school make sure that you love to read and write. And research. Because.

Arivee: Wait, Loly. So wait. But let's not copy cause. This is super important for people who are who, like I think I know what I wanna do. And I think I wanna go to law school and all these questions because you go to DC and you realize, OK, I actually don't. This is the way that I'm gonna. Affect change. I feel like I'm not touching the community the way that I want to, but did you know when you were thinking about taking that job. I remember that was in session, so it's kind of like, well, it was, it was what it was. But like how long did you this is important for people were listening. How long did you feel like the dread of the job before you actually were like, I gotta make a change?

Loly: This is such a good point to pause in because I feel like I work with a lot of clients. I wanna shift their careers or their jobs. And it's hard. It's scary. So, I have been at. The agency for probably a year when one and once I settled in the first few months are kind of learning how to do the work. And I was like, OK, maybe it'll get better. And once I settled then probably a year end, I was like, this is not for me. And the thing about many jobs that have specially the federal government is you kinda have to figure out rather quickly whether it's your thing or not, because if not, you're gonna get better at your job. You're gonna get comfortable and you're almost guaranteed to raise like 10 grand plus every almost every year. And then you hit, like, the mark, where you're just moving. across on the general schedule. But I remember thinking, I have to start looking now because if not, I'm gonna get comfortable here and then my salary is gonna make it harder for me to shift somewhere else. Even though I hate the job. I'm gonna map master it, and then I'm gonna be comfortable. And, I'm gonna be making too much money. That too, you know, like shift over. And I knew I didn't wanna go to big law, so I knew I was probably going to have to take a pay cut. At least at the beginning to step into something that actually sounded fun to me. And like, a useful way for me to serve in the world. So, I I deliberately remember thinking that and thinking I need to be out of here within a year. Cause if not, it's gonna become harder and harder. And sure enough, I was able to transition into the new position within a year of that. But my friends that stayed there. It it's exactly that like they kept getting promotions and raises. They still didn't like the job, but they stayed there and one of them is still there. And this was eight years ago. So, and we've talked about it and he's just like, I can't find the flexibility in other positions with with the same salary. So, it's sometimes hard to balance what you're actually being called to do and then of course the requirements of your actual life. Especially I think even for us in our 30s now, you become accustomed to certain lifestyle and then it's harder to shift out of it cause being comfortable and it's hard to shift out. Sometimes it's easier for people that are struggling to hustle harder and to take those risks because they have no choice, whereas for some of us that were in the middle of our career and generally fine and there isn't anything that we hate about necessarily that we hate about what we're doing, it's just not something that's lighting us up. It's a really hard place to shift from and requires a lot of soul searching and sometimes someone to come alongside you and and help you pass those harder questions 'cause I think in many of our heads. For me anyway, when I turned 30 was when I had that dark night of the soul where I was like. Where am I? You know, like the quintessential one. What am I doing with my life? Like in the craziest thing is from the outside looking in, everything looked fine like my husband, and I had bought like, a dream house, renovated it. We weren't married at the time. But we've been together for a few years. I've been a few years into my new job, was loving it up until you know, like everything was fine up until like this one day. And I don't know what switch went off or I was just like, I don't know if this is the right job. I don't know if this is the right relationship. Why did we buy this house? Like, I want to travel more. I wanna do this. This is terrible. Like I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something different, like something more. And I don't know what that is. And this, like, uncertainty is making me crazy. And I remember thinking, like, is this it? We create these like To Do List or this vision of what we want our quote UN quote adult life to look like when we're teens or in our early 20s and then we just keep hustling towards it and then sometimes you arrive at the destination and you're completely different person and you just look around like, what do I do now.

Arivee: I would love for you to talk about how you figured out what your call to do like how did you figure out what excited you and what didn't?

Loly: I think the reason this was my my kind of stumbling block and I think it is for many of us is that we're looking for one thing right, because that's what we're conditioned to think is what we're meant to do is like one thing and it goes back to the the kind of issue with having to pick one major in college or like having to know exactly what you wanna do at such a young age. And then the idea that there was one thing I should be doing was what kept me stuck for longer because I'm like, I don't like that much stuff that much. Like I do like that some, but I don't see myself doing that exclusively forever. And I think what I realized was that you can be multi passionate. Right. And a lot of the women that I work with have many different interests, like both of us. Are there great example? Yeah, we're lawyers and we're coaches and we're probably dabbling into a bunch of other different things. In addition to being moms and wives and everything. When I realized there was two realizations. One and doesn't have to be one thing, and then two was you don't have to take your whole life apart. Your current life in order to find what the things or thing is that was my biggest fear having worked. So hard to get what I where I was. I couldn't get past the thought that I would have to take it all apart now to be happier, because that's really what I was looking for was to have a deeper sense of fulfillment and to generally be happier on a day-to-day basis. So, for those of you that are feeling called when I say called. It's really like a longing to be doing something more or different than what you're actually doing right now. And I say called because I feel like it's a call from God, your heart and your spirit to do something more and to kind of align with what he has in mind for you. So, being able to just follow your curiosity, I think is the best prescription for for those of you that find yourself floating around and have had maybe an experience like mine where you just look around and you're like, how did I get here? What happened? Is to just satisfied? Kind of 15 minutes each day to just listen to your thoughts without a podcast, without anything else you know happening. And now that I'm a mom, I understand that this can be hard to find. But even in the chaos of having a one-year-old. (Both laugh)

Arivee: Loly let’s talk about that for one second. Keep going.

Loly: So, but, stay in your car a little longer if you come back from running an errand or like, wake up a little bit earlier than the kids in your husband and try to find just 10 minutes where you can just listen to your thoughts, you can journal. You can go for a walk, whatever it is, but try to create a space where it’s like it's just you and your mind. So, I think a lot of the reason a lot of the reason that we feel unfulfilled, and we like you said, some of us know exactly what we want to do. It's just worry they're too distracted by helpful our lives are, or we're scared of what that's gonna look like. So, when you set aside the sacred time as much as possible, even if you can't do daily to, to just listen to your thoughts, it just becomes so much easier to gain the clarity that everybody is looking for. You know, I'm a journaler. That's like my modality, but it really doesn't matter. However, you can get in tune with your mind, and then the next thing is to ask yourself what is it that you're desiring more of? Sometimes, especially as moms as a mom now, like sometimes I just wanna be free because of course you have a lot of obligations on your time. And a lot of people needing you and it's a craving that we have as mom to just have some freedom. But that freedom doesn't look like, you know, abandoning your family, right. It looks like maybe taking a couple hours to yourself and telling your husband, hey, I I I need to step away if you're able to. Being able to ask for time to for ourselves, I think is so important. If you have a partner who's in it with you, like being able to say hey, I need a couple hours to just like be with myself and whenever I've done that, I come back so refreshed like. I no longer feel overwhelmed and there isn't this like extreme desire to just, like, travel the world. All you were desiring was just like a couple hours where nobody needed you.

Arivee: Yeah, you could you not letting you're not letting yourself get to that point of like I'm living for a week and full transparency the other day because I have a 3 month old and having two other children and working with this business, I literally one day was. I just wanted to stop. I just want it to all stop. Can I just go somewhere for a whole week where no one needs me? And then I was like, I got myself together in the same like, two minutes. And I was like. I just needed a couple hours. I try to get in get 15 20 30 minutes some kind of form of exercise just for myself. I do go for a walk with the baby. I try to go once a day, but in that moment, I was like I need something totally by myself. Like just sitting on a beach reading a book with my journal and my pen. I need to be alone and looking at the ocean and realizing how small I am. That's how I literally say that's him. I say I love being with and this is true. I love being by the ocean because it makes it reminds you of how powerful the ocean is and how the universe is so powerful and how I am one piece looks such a huge universe and it just calms me down and instantly and it gives me a sense of peace. And so, he knows that I was like I just wanted one day just stop and then I was like OK just give me like a couple hours and he you know. He was just listening, and he didn’t say much. He was like whatever you need. But I wanna talk about this cause as you talk about things you can do to listen to yourself. And I wanna talk about this because so many women and you probably get this too. So many women come to me and they're like, you know, I don't want what to do. I'm stuck. I don't know how to get clear, but then when it comes to doing the work to actually get clear and to take a step in the direction you wanna go in, I find that a lot of women don't do anything. They want your advice couldn't call your advice, right, but some of them just don't take any action. One of your IG posts. So, if you don't know Loly has like these like days of she has today's wisdom posts on Instagram and one of them was madness equals being both unhappy with your results and unwilling to try something new. So, what do you say to people who they're not in an action mode or they're not? They're unhappy like they know they're unhappy. They're unfulfilled. But there's something that just doesn't let them move.

Loly: A lot of that in the beginning. It's just like figuring out what you don't like, like, because that's how our brains work. There, there's a negative bias to not being so clear about what actually makes us happy, but being very clear about the negative, the things that don't make us happy at all. (Arivee: Right.) So, to close that loop that we're just talking about getting quiet, listening to your thoughts and then. Asking yourself what you're desiring is the first step to figure out what the heck is going on in your mind, because what happens is when we have been just like, well, just like we were talking about having these breaks in our in our mind where we're just like, I gotta go. I don't know who's taking care of these kids, but. I'm leaving. It's because there's been a built-up tension, right? So, it's the same thing with our feeling of of just dissatisfaction and just like stagnation, you do come to these very short moments of clarity that are super fleeting. Maybe you see a post on Instagram that really resonates with you or you resonate with the coach and you're listening to a Podcast and you feel very like, Oh my God, that's my problem. What you have to realize is that those moments of clarity are incredibly fleeting. They're kind of like your spirit, like your higher power saying this is the thing. This is the thing, like in, but trying to cut through, like the noise of your daily life. So, when you have moments like that, that is the best time to take action and really anchor yourself in to what it is that you're saying you're desiring. So, for some of you, it may look like, you know, signing up for a program or like a class or something. That is in the realm of what you're interested in, and a lot of times money is what moves us right, so investing in something is what ties you down to what you originally said you wanted to do. It doesn't always have to be like that. There are some people that are incredible action takers. They just think of something, and they go for it. But for most of us who have a lot of competing obligations in our lives, these fleeting moments of clarity, we we usually just miss them. And we say, oh my God, it be so awesome. Just try that more to talk to that person. But if you don't anchor yourself by taking like a tiny action in the moment, what usually happens is the moment passes and later on you know your your ego is kind of like what the what the fuck that was a stupid idea. (Arivee: Yes.) Never go back to it. And that just happens on repeat.

Arivee: I have had a couple of clients say to me I can't believe I reached out to you, but I did because they had that moment. They felt hell to do something. They were so scared, but they were like she's gonna think I'm crazy and I'm like, listen nothing you say. crazy.

Loly: Because, we don't attract the people that are in similar places that we've been in in different times in our life. So, there's nothing you guys can tell us that's gonna shock us because that's the reason that that we can coach people so well is because I know exactly what you're thinking. Because I've been there, (Arivee: I was there) and I can give you like the cheat code. Let's just skip this whole part. Let's let's skip forward.

Arivee: You have to take action when you feel it or you gonna lose the momentum and you won't continue like you won't move. And it's in those moments where you have to do something.

Loly: Yup, and an action doesn't have to be like, for example, you wanna launch a business or you want you have a business idea that you want to try out. It doesn't have to be to, like, go get an LLC, put together and go do like we get. We tend especially the woman I work with who are very analytical to do the busywork of the thing rather than than the scary work of the thing. So it may look a way

Arivee: That is Oh wait so it’s busy work of the thing instead of the scary work of the saying explain. That's really good. No, 'cause, that's exactly that's exactly what people do. That's exactly what people do. Yes.

Loly: So without fail, when I meet with people, when they're looking to launch a new business or create a new business, what they wanna focus on is how should I apply for an LLC? You know, how do I get my federal ID number? Like, how do I get a website? You know, I need to get a business cards and I'm not. I'm not making fun of anyone because I feel like I was exactly like that when I started my coaching business a few years ago because those things felt tangible. And they felt like something that I can, like, put on my To Do List and do and feel like I have a business now. So those are like the busy work. Eventually you should probably get your ducks in a row. You're you're talking to two lawyers here. So, my ducks are not in a row, but it's because I think I'm a lawyer. And I'm like, OK, they don't need to be, like perfectly in a row and in a row all the time. Right. But for the normal person, it's not a lawyer though, like I need to do this. I need to get a business bank account. I need to like. You don't get an accountant all these things because these things feel tangible and easy to check off the list, right? But what happens is they get stuck in one of these stops and they can't move forward onto the actual scary things of building a business. Which is talking about what you do to people meeting new people and offering to help them. Whether it's through social media or person, the more scary things of putting your content out there, having it in opinion about something and sharing it with other people, you know, creating something that will serve other people. But those two things both selling and putting content out into the world are some of the scariest things when people are building a business, and I'm mostly talking about online businesses. But most businesses are online now. So, or have at least an online component. So, because you get stuck in the busywork, you never get to actually start making money. And doing this scary part of the project and this could be the same thing for, you know, more creative project instead of like jumping into the actual art form that you are providing or service that you're providing, you're stuck in the minutiae doing this and you. You think it's because you have to get this done, but it's really because this feels more comfortable to do, right?

Arivee: Yes. Yes, it's more. Yes, it's more comfortable to check off the boxes then actually put yourself out there. What have you found are the biggest challenges to really, like putting yourself out there 'cause even when in true. When I started as a coach. It was scary also because people knew me as one thing, and now I'm saying actually, I've always wanted to do that. This thing too. Yeah. And it's scary because then you, even your family, you think of your full year families over your friends like people that know you aware that

Loly: My parents still don't know what I do. They're like strangers online. Zoom and they pay you? And I'm like, yeah, that's what I'm doing. So, I feel like the the most common barriers are what are people gonna think, especially if you're coming. Honestly, this is everyone concerned. But it's especially when you're coming from a more traditional, prestigious career. Yeah, and for us as lawyers, like, I remember when I first started my business, I'm like holding councils gonna find my website and be like what. And if they did find me, they didn't say shit to me, so totally fine. But that was like one of my fears, right? Like, what am I doing? I didn't like my friends. My friends always knew me as the one that was doing the most, like dabbling in different things and just in different things, so I wasn't too concerned, but they were gonna thing and my parents are super supportive. They don't really get it, but they're like, sounds like you can help people. On top of it you layer the desire for your everything to be perfect. You know the layer of perfectionism. Perfectionism is a defense mechanism, right? Like somewhere along the way, someone required very high standards of you, and you linked your worthiness to the ability to do things very, very well, if not perfect, right. And when you're stepping into entrepreneurship is like,

Arivee: Oh my gosh! So, so well, I don't know if you know him, but Brendan Bouchard, who is left, right. He's a. So for those who don't know, Brendan Bouchard, Brendan Bouchard is a high performance coach. He's very big and the this expert self-education industry, he's all about personal development, personal development. And he says, which I agree you might not be scared to do the thing, but you're scared to start small doing the thing you're scared to start with having 0 0 followers, 0 people liking your stuff and your content. You're scared of people seeing that you're starting at 0. And I was like, that's exactly right.

Loly: Yeah. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. And the and I always tell my clients, you don't get to skip the hot or team stage. We all went through it. Hey, you're gonna go through it too. And there's a silver lining to it. Which people make a problem, but we'll talk about that. The silver lining is if no one is watching, then you can do whatever you want. Yeah, try whatever you want. If you have a small community, it's probably people that really support you. Just try it all. See what works. Nobody cares anyway. Nobody is watching mention liberating to you in your content, but what our human minds make it mean is what's the point of doing this if nobody is watching? But how are people ever going to watch if you never do it. It's like a a catch 22 that your brain does where it makes it both a problem that no one's watching. And also, the reason that you don't wanna do is 'cause everybody is watching. It's like, how could you have both things happening? How's my clients when they when they say what are people gonna think or everybody's watching. It's like who are these people you are referring to?

Arivee: Yes. I would like I said can you name them please. And they say, well, one person I said. So how was that people?

Loly: Right. And when one person they have in mind.

Arivee: I often find that when you ask some what the person actually said, it was their thoughts about the person said not actually what they said that is causing the whatever is happening inside the mind drama.

Loly: Yeah. And that that is, you know, you hit the nail on the head because going back to when you mentioned, it's like, how do you actually do the work of showing up, it's getting in tune with what you're thinking and what is the thought landscape that's happening in your head? And the awareness is important because what you're thinking right now and the feeling that it's creating is the reason you are where you are, right, good or bad, right? You we have amazing thoughts about our family. We have amazing thoughts about. Maybe are nine to five work about the stability of it. Of the stability of our family, like we, the things that are thriving in our life, it's because we have good thoughts about it. I love to encourage clients to borrow belief from another part of your life. Where you feel like you're killing it. So, for a lot of my clients, they feel like they're amazing moms, you know? So, it's like, think about what you think of yourself as a mom, right, like on a daily basis. And I had a client actually, like, make a list for me as we were talking. And some of the thoughts are things like, I know exactly what the right thing to do is for my kid or I know my kids so well or I'm a great mom or I do like it's all very positive certain thoughts. And that's what's fueling like your confidence as a mom and maybe you have the same thing in your 9 to 5. So, think about the things where you're killing it. What are the thoughts that you're having? And can you borrow some of those thoughts? And just plant them into the new thing that you're doing, that you feel really shaky about and it's not gonna feel natural. It's gonna feel really fake at first and be like, no, I don't really think about that. I don't really think that about my business or whatever it is that you're working on. But the more that you intentionally decide to think the thought. And find qualifiers for it and by qualifiers I mean OK, so if my goal is to make I don't let's just use like the 100K you know, quintessential coaching goal, right? If your goal is to make 100K this year, right? And your mind is like, no, you're not making 100K like. We don't have the ability or whatever, but when you add qualifier to the beginning or the end of the sentence, it it helps your brain by and. For example, I'm gonna make 100K this year and your brain is like no, no, you know then you could add. I'm becoming a person that knows how to make 100K this year. Or something this like thought kind of puzzle thing works really well for my brain cause. It reminds me of litigation like words are like, you know, our currencies as lawyers. So, we know the impact of changing a statement. Right. And I love finding qualifiers for my for the thought that I want to work on, and the work includes figuring out what you want, then figuring out what thoughts in your head are telling you you can't have that. Limiting beliefs (Arivee: yes pay attention. Those are limited.) Arivee told me that if I said limiting beliefs, I would have to define it. For me Limiting beliefs are unhelpful stories that we have about ourselves, and we have many stories about ourselves, but you may find that when you set a goal. Immediately, your brain is gonna feed you all of the reasons that you can't do that, and it's not that your brain is defective or our brain is better. It's that our biology is set to maintain the status quo as humans. So, if you are fed. And you are safe, and you are procreating your enamel brain is like, bitch we don't need nothing else. OK, so, like what?

Arivee: The other thing too, is it's a social our brains don't like uncertainty. They hate it. (Loly: No) When you when you enter something into your brain, that's like, this is gonna be different. The brain is like, no, no, no. We're good. We don't need any of that. We're good. What are you doing? Stop doing that. I don't like uncertainty. I don't like this discomfort. Our brains are going to do any everything they can to chronicle “protect us.” And that's what happens when we don't push through that and kind of give our brain something else to think and believe is that then we go into Oh yeah, I can’t brain You're right. Cause member Loly and I talking about ego and thoughts. There's everything. There's different things going on here.

Loly: This is all going on in your mind. Right. And The thing is. If you were hungry or homeless or unsafe in any type of way, your brain would be like, try whatever you need to try. (Arivee: Yes) you know, like all of a sudden. And that's why we are able to do what we have to do in certain circumstances is because our basic needs are not met. If you think about, you know, situations as either you've been in personally or know somebody that has been and you're like, I don't know how they did it, it's because your brain is wired for your survival. So, there's something that is threatening that. Your brain will all of a sudden it remove like the wall, the Stonewall that it was saying, no, we don't need change and be like, no, we actually need change now. So, you have to go take care of. This is like having a health scare. (Arivee: Yeah.) All of a sudden, you're OK with eating healthy and moving your body everyday 'cause. The alternative is death, but in most of our lives we're not dealing in life and death, so we're dealing in this gray area of I'm comfortable. Sure. Could I be happier, more fulfilled? But if that's gonna require discomfort, then I don't know if I'm willing to do that. So, when you start with the premise that your brain is not your brains gonna have, like, your your spirit and higher self-right are gonna have these in mazing ideas about how you could affect change and serve people and you know. Create beautiful art or whatever it is that you're desiring to do, and then your brain will be like, do we really need to do that? Because I don't see how that adds value to these three things that were trying to focus on. So, when you go into it knowing that your brain is gonna be like, Nah, I'm good. Then you don't make it a problem that your brain is like no good, right? You don't make it mean that you're lazy, that you lack consistency, that you, you're just like my brain is braining. What it's meant to do, which is to keep me safe and certain. And these things that are being called to do by my spirit. Or uncertain and uncomfortable. But because I know it's gonna bring me joy of fulfillment. I'm willing to be uncomfortable. I'm willing to fuck it up. I'm willing to fail. I'm willing for people to make fun of me. I'm willing to start small. And I'm willing to do all of that because I know the result is going to be what I'm desiring right now, which is more joy and fulfillment. But when we see people not taking action, it's usually because they're making it a personal failing that they can't take action. And feel comfortable. What they don't see is that most of us taking action are just willing to be uncomfortable.

Arivee: And I think a lot of us that take action and and I'm sure we see that you see this in our clients too is they get their reason. The reason is like no, I need joy now like I need to have that I need more fulfillment now I need to have that and I think there is this. For the at least the clients that I've worked with in people that just talked to about this. I think there is this clear reason they have for change where they get to a point like you still talk about the health scare. That's a great example, but they get to a point where. It's I can't take it anymore. I have to change something pushes them. But they knew why and the why gets them through. The discomfort? They're like, no, I've gotta do it. I'm uncomfortable. I gotta do it. I need it. I need it this bad. I know why. And I'm gonna go through it now.

Loly: The best way until you have something big happen to actually take action is when you have that fleeting moment of clarity. I'm like this is not working. Whatever the this is or I want more even if this is working and I you know my life is fine. There are some of us that want more than fine and that's OK too. But when you have that moment. Find some way to anchor your anchor yourself and what your desiring and the best way that I've that I've known to do that is to hire a coach and the thing is, I mean, you can do other things too, but find find an accountability partner, find something that's going to remind you that you had this fleeting moment of clarity and that this is what you want to do going forward, and it doesn't mean tomorrow you you're doing it. It means that you have a designated space and time in your life that's now reserved you working and developing that fleeting thought into whatever it's going to be, whether it's your career change or promotion, starting a business, whatever it is you've now anchored yourself in that desire by investing in something that's going to remind you that that's what you wanted to do. And I tell people all the time, one of the most important things to me is personal integrity. And to me, that means doing the things you said you were gonna do or you said you wanted to do, and that will requires support and many different forms for most people, don't make it a problem that in order to move this idea forward, you require support and accountability, because that's just it is what it is. Some people need more support than others, and whatever support you need to do your thing, that's what you need, and I go with it.

Arivee: And Loly, I wanted to back up a little bit because I think so many people ask me this question, and so I think it's important for different people to answer it, not just me. But what is the biggest difference between coaching and therapy?

Loly: So for me, the biggest differences therapy I wanted, I was in therapy for 3, or four years straight. The only reason I don't have a regular therapist right now is because she left private practice and I didn't wanna start from scratch with a new therapist. But when I went to, when I started going to therapy, I was just discontent. I was just unhappy with my life. So usually, it requires bringing you back to a neutral. There's something going on that has made you incredibly unhappy, uncomfortable, unsafe, whatever it is you know, maybe you're reliving trauma. You realize you have some trauma that hasn't been worked out your. For me, it was relationship issues. That moment that we were just talking about this do or die now, like either. We're gonna make this work and work out all of our shit or we're gonna go our separate ways. And we both decided that we were gonna work on it. So, I started going to therapy my own. And then we started doing couples therapy. But it was all about figuring out how I got to where I was right now. And then I think I got to a neutral where I was like, oh, I get it. Like I have choices. I have thoughts. I have this. So, it brought a lot of awareness to how I got to where I was right now. And then with coaching for me, it's how do you get from where you are right now to where you wanna go? That requires some deep digging into some of the same things that you may touch upon a therapy, but it's always a forward moving thing. We're always trying to gain awareness in order to move the goal forward and that goal might just be general happiness, you know, and it increase in happiness and increase in fulfillment. It doesn't have to be like such a set goal, but coaching moves you forward from where you are.

Arivee: Yes, and I. And I find that. Once people get that they're like, OK, I understand it said nothing I don't have to be fixed. It's not about fixing. It's about, like, flourishing, right? (Loly: Yeah.) And I also find that people like, why aren't you gonna tell me, like, what happiness is gonna look like? And I'm like, no, no, no. That's from every person, and in fact you have to describe little what it would look like for you. What does it mean for you to feel fulfilled? Some people don't need their nine to five to be that for them. Some people do. Some people wanna have three hobbies that they love some are like, I only want one. Everyone is so different. Some people love to be stay at home mom, some people don't. There's also level of thing. It's you help them work through. What would all those things look like? I can't tell how many women say I just want calmness in my life. I want a sense of peace in my life. What does that mean? That sounds amazing. What does it mean for you. You know, when you get there and people, when people I think also forget is that yourself learning and yourself evolution and personal development is like never ending like you're always learning. What something will look like can change overtime too.

Loly: Yeah, that's why it's so important to tune into. What am I desiring more often than once a year when you're setting your goals for the year because it's a moving target and you're changing. I feel like every day. Where where evolving I. I told my plans a lot, like 100% yesterday. It's not the same as your 100% today. No, especially as women every single day is different in our body just based on hormones and cycles and all of that. So, we're a brand-new person every single day, for better or worse. (Arivee: Yes.) And getting into finding a a daily practice that allows you to ground into who you are today and what you wanna accomplish is so important so that you can have grace. Like if you woke up and your not fucking feeling it, maybe you shouldn't have a 25 bullet To Do List. Right. Maybe we should save some of that to dos for when you're feeling like you're killing it. And I know you guys know what I'm talking about. This is like some days everything is just like you know.

Arivee: Some days I'm like I'm on I'm on fire today. Like, some days I feel like I would like to be a turtle today.

Loly: I'm like, I don't even want a human today like and having that compassion like self-compassion is like so important for us as women is to have that compassion and grace. For yourself that you're not gonna fucking kill it every day and it's fine. Men do it every day. Like the pressure that we put out is conditioned into us, and then we put on each other too. Which I really try not to, especially with motherhood. Like, just like everybody do and whatever the fuck they wanna do OK, like, let's just do our own thing and say our own lane with some of the the both condition and self-imposed pressure it's just not something that men are walking around with, you know, like they're not thinking about the 17, you know, the doctor's appointments and the grocery delivery and the. Or the grocery shopping or like, like all this stuff just arrives at their doorstep.

Arivee: But Loly I wanna go back to this because I think you said I wanna go back to the perfectionism 'cause it's it's it's attached we're talking about, or it's related what we're talking about when you said perfectionism is a defense mechanism and it's linked to the your worthiness, and your willing to do the thing is a willing to how you value yourself, how do we help women through that.

Loly: I think some compassion which I was just talking about it's like you're not gonna be able to get it perfectly right every single time and that shouldn't stop you from doing it at all but I think that's the thought. If I don't have time for this thing to be exactly how I'm envisioning it, then I don't wanna do it at all. That's what keeps a lot of people stuck in the reality of it, just like we were talking about choosing new, different careers and switching jobs is you can always choose again. So, my prescription for perfectionism was like they can change it later. I can. I can try something different later, but I don't like how it ends up coming out, but at least I've put something out there which then I can evaluate and see what I like about it. What I don't like about it and try again and iterate again and I think that sometimes we just tell ourselves the story that we only get this one chance to get it right. And it's just not true. I mean, you could change, you could launch your website and tweak it tomorrow. Nobody knows what you're doing behind the scenes. You know you could change your prices tomorrow, so we sometimes are comfortable and in decision because it means we're not right or wrong. We're just not doing anything, but indecision is also a decision. It's a decision to maintain the status quo in the status quo is fine for you then cool. But usually, if you're looking for something, the status quo is not fine, right? So, in order to try to affect greater happiness, greater peace, whatever it is you're looking for, more money, you have to try something and and then then when your brain flips the fuck out. Just remind yourself we try again later. You can choose something different. You can tweak it.

Arivee: Oh my gosh, it is so good. Let's wrap up with some rapid-fire questions. What's your favorite book? Or you can you can give me like top three 'cause. I I can't give a favorite book to have.

Loly: I think you. So, I have a hard time with a favorite book to, but the one that I feel like really profoundly shifted how I see the world was “Return to love” Marianne Williamson. I think you posted about.

Arivee: And for those of you listening “Return to love”, is Marianne Williamson take on a course in miracles, which is its own text and yes, to be to be just be honest with people. Like it's about God. It's about you know when we talk about worthiness it's about God seeing you as a complete perfect being how could you not see yourself as worthy, just because you exist 'cause God created you. It's rooted in that perspective. So, if you are looking to read that book, know that going in. So, if you're more of like a universe forces non God, person, I mean, I still think it's applicable. And you could get a lot out of it. But just keep that in mind. If you’re not a G o d type person. Yeah, but tell me why I profoundly changed it. Because that book rocked my world.

Loly: I was definitely in a place, so she's feeling like I was lacking something, right. And even though I was raised Catholic, and then, you know, more more Christian less Catholic of having innate worthiness, it just did a click while I was growing up. I think my mom did a great job of like a instill in instilling like deep self-regard and you know the feeling that I was really awesome, and I deserved everything. That was great in the world. You still go through this growing up as an adult. When you stop into everything that. About that entails, and some of that can can be fractured by life. So, when I read, return to love, it kind of brought me to a place of like how a mom thinks of other child. Right. Like that. You are worthy. Like, right now you have a 3-month-old, right. I have a one-year-old. It's like. There was nothing that they needed to do when they arrived to be like, worthy of all of our love. All of the fancy toys and things that we can purchase for them and give them education, that we're we're gonna provide for them. They just arrived and they were. So, I remember thinking at that was like, really affirming. And then also I I like the scarcity and abundance conversation in the book, like whenever you're not coming from love, you're coming from lack and the feeling or thought that there is a finite amount of blank to go around. And when you're coming from a place of love and abundance, you know that your success doesn't take anything away from anyone else and pick someone else, and someone’s success doesn’t take anything away from you. But you're making me wanna read it again so I can like, Oh well.

Arivee: Yes. And. And for those who are those listening to this, this idea that as Loly was talking about a scarcity versus abundance, and if you're coming from a place of lack, meaning not enough, nothing you ever do will ever be enough. Cause, you're you're gonna get more and still say this isn't enough. The house isn't big enough. That's not big enough. What I make isn't isn't enough. What I make isn't enough. My clothes? Not enough. And so that's why it's so important to innately understand and come from a perspective of abundance. And you have then to come from a perspective of I don't have, because if you're looking for things to make you complete, they'll never be enough things to do that.

Loly: Yeah. Right. Self-belonging and that just. And I remember I I think we were having a rocky time in our relationship too. So it gave me a different lens to look at my husband through, you know, like and it's a kind of remember the things that I love about him and focus on those rather than focusing on the Things that he's lacking or he's not quite like, you know.

Arivee: Like leaving your wet towels on the bathroom floor. I mean. But then my husband makes my kids lunch every morning. I'm like, I'll take that towel on the floor, and those are. And those are not even problems right there.

Loly: Right there just life things. Yes, yes, but yeah. I love that book 'cause of that. And now I'm gonna read it again because it's the only book I never learned to anyone who, like gonna take them. Like, no, I need to ask you to go back and read what I underlined when I read it. 'cause. I think that'll be instructive too.

Arivee: OK, so everyone has to get that book that they have not read it. OK. Do you have a mantra or saying that helps motivate and inspire you?

Loly: Yeah. So my my mantra for 2021 and feel free to take this. It's actually on my IG page. If you Scroll down a little bit, you can steal the quote tile is I know what I'm doing and what I'm doing is working. (Arivee: OU OK. I like that. Thank you.) Can apply that to anything in life. What it does is it calms your scroll squirrel brain that wants to say this isn't working fast enough. This isn't happening fast enough. Let's try something new it calms that shiny object syndrome that we sometimes have. Especially if you're gross. Of growth mindset person, where you're always growing and learning new things. Yeah, so I can sometimes turn into distraction. (Arivee: OK.) You know, in your business or whatever you're doing so.

Arivee: I love that. And then what does humble rising mean to you?

Loly: So when I think that when I thought about your podcast name, I thought about being grounded and you know your origins and then just who you are and like, really knowing who you are. And then creating and growing both yourself. You know your business, your empire, whatever it is that you're working on, from a place of groundedness from that place of innate self-worth and giving from that overflow of love.

Arivee: Well, thanks Loly for being on this podcast. If you guys are listening and you're hearing like a breathing sound, that's because my daughter was crying hysterically in the middle of the podcast and it my husband had to bring her to me and I’m feeding her. And that's just me being honest. Because when you're a mom and you're trying to do different things, your kids aren't on your schedule. Your on theirs and she's not on official schedule yet. Cause she's only three months. So just so if you hear that sound, that's what it is. It's not some like, weird. Something weird happening. It's that my daughter is actually nursing. Loly, thank you so much for joining me.

Loly: This is so much fun and I can't wait to hang out with you guys soon, hopefully so we confused anyone. If you're like I need to hear more about that, feel free to DM. Either of us and be like what did you mean when you said this? Because we are both talkers, which means we left 17 open tabs. Probably turned into their own podcasts. I’m happy to chat with you guys.

Arivee: And yeah, no, that's really great Loly. Because I I think part of and part of the reason why I started the podcast and part of the reason why and what I'm hearing people that are responding to me more podcasts is that they like how how it's exposing them to different ideas and different people and different women of color who they never would have met otherwise, never would have known. And that's all I can ask is that it's offering exposure and showing people things that they didn't know before to better they're lives.

Loly: Yeah, absolutely. I love it so much.

Arivee: Thank you so much.

Loly: You're welcome.

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I told you, you just listened to two coaches geek out on what we love. And I adore Loly lady 'cause. She's 100% herself, and she explained things clearly and in a relatable way for you, here are some key takeaways from our conversation. So go grab your pen, go grab your paper. Here we go. Number one, look to make a career or job pivot before you are too comfortable with the lifestyle and the skills needed to do your job. Number 2. Ask yourself if I step off the work treadmill, who am I? Three, there isn't one thing you have to do or be. You can be multi passionate. 4. You don't have to take your life apart to find the thing. Or find the things that will make you happier and give you a sense of purpose and fulfillment. 5. It's in the fleeting moments of clarity that you have to take action towards what you're actually desiring. Let me say that again, it's in the fleeting moments of clarity. That you have to take action towards what you're desiring. 6. Set aside 10 to 15 minutes a day. Or whenever you can during the week to listen to your thoughts and write them down. Seven, follow your curiosity. Consider thinking about what are you desiring more of? Or what don't you like right now? Number 8. In this the last one. Don't confuse your need to “productive” during the busy work When you really need to do the scary work. The scary work is the real work that you really need to do. I'm going to challenge you here to apply Loly's advice on taking those 10 to 15 minutes in the next seven days to listen to your thoughts and see what comes up for you. Try that just once in the next seven days.

Now if you wanna connect with slowly, check out the show notes for all that information. Don't forget to subscribe, rate and review this podcast and be sure to share it with others, especially if you think it'll serve them. You can also connect with me on Instagram or LinkedIn. All those details are in the show notes. I’d love to know what you'd like to learn and hear more about. On the podcast, finally, if you've been asking yourself how to figure out the next step in your career, or you're at that career or job crossroads, I've got a career clarity quick guide just for you. Find the link you know it in the show notes until next time, take one more action step into how incredibly powerful you are. You got this.

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