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Episode 8 Transcript

Arivee Vargas: Hi I'm Arivee Vargas. I believe we're all so powerful beyond our wildest imaginations. We have the ability to overcome the fears, self-doubt, negative beliefs and all the other roadblocks that hold us back from having the life and career we really want and deserve. That's why I created the Humble Rising podcast.

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I want to help you get clear on what a joyful and fulfilling life and career looks like for you. And help you go after it with all you have. Each week, we'll talk to badass inspirational women sharing their journeys. We’ll dig into their successes, their failures, challenges, the different shifts, in their careers, in their personal lives and so much more. Be inspired, get motivated, and get ready to rise. This is the Humble Rising Podcast.

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Hamaria: Those voices that have spoken to them in the past, (Arivee: yeah.) the people that have set the expectations that other people have placed on them that they've received and accepted. And it is shedding themselves of those things and realizing that it's their life that they have to live, and you can't live anyone else is. (Arivee: Yeah.) And every day, if you keep waking up living someone else's dream, you get their results, but not the dream that you are dreaming of.

Arivee: Today I'm so excited to be welcoming Dr Hamaria Crockett to the Humble Rising podcast. Dr Crockett became instantly known as an out of the box, exciting, charismatic and informative style leader and coach, and began receiving requests we can consult internationally. Doctor Crockett uses positive psychology principles to help individuals focus on their strengths and characteristics that allow them to succeed and prosper within their everyday lives. She has more than a decade of experience as a career coach and extensive experience and leadership development. She has worked as an independent consultant within the areas of diversity, equity and inclusion across the country. She has expertise as a humanist psychologist and is a frequent speaker on topics such as organizational culture, diversity and inclusion, change management, and being true to yourself. She's an award-winning author, writing on topics of authenticity and career management. Doctor Crockett has also worked with corporations, nonprofits and higher education, as well as in multiple industries, including the military health care. Logistics, government, retail and technology. She received her doctorate degree from Capella University in Human Services with a concentration and industrial organizational psychology. She holds a Master’s degree and a bachelor's degree from Eastern Illinois University. And family and consumer science and psychology. With that, let's welcome Dr Hamaria Crockett to the podcast. Welcome Hamaria to the Humble Rising podcast. It's so great to have you with us. Thank you so much for being here with us and spending time with us.

Hamaria: Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate it. I'm really excited to get started.

Arivee: There's so much I wanna talk to you about the. Let's start with your story. Tell me a little bit about yourself and how you've come to do the work that you do now.

Hamaria: So I am from a small town right outside the city of Chicago, and when I was growing up, my mom always used to call me or refer to me as a brown Punky Brewster So if you're born in the 80s, you know who Punky Brewster is. Kind of that person who always kind of beats to my own drum. I always kind of did things my own way. I was very independent. That's just who I was. Right. And she was so good my father to nurturing who I was as a kid and nurturing that as I could see you to grow and to mature as an adult if you know about Punky Brewster. She also was helper. She helped people, she helped animals. She was just like this little helper and I also was another part of my own personality. So that what brought out of me was that I always was a helper. So going through my education and even going into the doctor I've had, they all revolve around the theme of helping other people. I was a social worker for a while, I was an investigator for the child care services, thats how started my career. Then I moved on to working for the military and even now as a executive career coach all of it which revolves around helping people. And so that's just who I am and just what I do.

Arivee: I love, you know. And I'm I'm curious as to your thoughts on this because we talk a lot about purpose and you know there are different views on purpose. But I'm curious. You always knew I was meant to help people. I don't know how it's gonna end up, but I know like I'm on this earth to do that.

Hamaria: I don't know if I knew that was what I was on the earth to do. That’s just as what I did. So it wasn't like this thought, oh, I need to help. It was. I just help. (Arivee: Yes. Yes.) So there is a difference. That means just like a slight differences that I just I help people because that's what I knew to do. That's what was inside of me to do. Not because I had like this epiphany about, oh, I should be a helper, but it was just there all along. There was no way to get around it either. There was no way to be like, you know what I'm gonna do something different. 'cause, that's all that I knew. That was all in me to just to do and I was going to do it even if I wasn't paid to do it. I was gonna do it, even if no one was looking I wasn’t always going to quit.

Arivee: Right. Right. And I'm also curious, like, as a as a career coach and an executive coach, how much do you feel like people struggle with what they should be doing?

Hamaria: All the time, all the time. Biggest conversations about will tell me what I supposed to be doing. So so people said. I just actually picked something so like, whatever is on my mind like, you know, it should be like a belly dance. But I don't wanna do that. Well, then don't give me that power. Don't give me power over what you should be doing. Because if I have power then I'm just make up something. But if you have power, you'll actually do the work that is needed to get to where you know you wanna be. So I want to give you back your power and I wanna want people to understand that the power belongs to them.

Arivee: And you know that really resonates because it's not. It's not just deciding what you want, like what you're talking about. It's also, you know, people go through career shifts all the time and I find that a lot of folks what happens is they let other people decide what the shift is gonna be instead of them saying wait to I really want to do this to a really feel connected to this versus, oh, that makes sense. I'm supposed to do that next.

Hamaria: Yeah, my dad said. My mom said my friend told me that's what I hear a lot. All these are outside people. That's like, well, what do you want? You know, what do you… Do you like this? No, you know, there's other things that I see. (Arivee: Yes) all the time. So yeah, that's a huge question.

Arivee: It's almost like they haven't done the work, the internal work yet. And I often find, and I don't know if you find this too, but I'd be. I'd love your thoughts on it. Where when people really do that inner work, it's like if there's like a crisis or they like proactively, like they they see something that changes them or they hear someone that talks and it changes their view on something. It's always triggered by something external and then they go inside and they're like, oh, I don't even wanna do this anymore.

Hamaria: Yeah, yeah, that's true. And I agree that it is like a crisis. Like you said, like a crisis or, like, some external force more than anything. People are in search for that thing that they are good at. I call it a superpower. They're in search of their superpower throughout their entire lives, and it's not that many people find it early on and if people think about it. It's been there all along (Arivee: yes.) So even though it isn't outside source sometimes, it's been there all along, but I have been this person my entire life. I've not been anyone else and but I chose not to be someone else too. Other people they choose to be who they think they should be, or who someone else has explained or said they should air quotes of. “Should” 'cause really, that's a terrible word. Should be connected with dots. (Arivee: Yes, yes.) So connect the dots. How this has come to be or how they just are naturally good at something. I decided a long time ago. I'm just not gonna do something I'm not good at. It makes zero sense to me. (Arivee: Yeah.) To do things I'm just not good at like I’am terrible at math. I would Jack up being like some kind of aerospace engineer you would, you will fire me. I'd be so bad I'd be bad at it. Own what you're not good at, but also own what you are Rockstar at. Own the things that you aren't dynamic at. There's nobody that can take that away from you. There's plenty of room in that space or you? No matter what your superpower, there’s space there's room for you with that, and it's not ever gonna be crowded because you wouldn't have that particular gift if it wasn't enough room.

Arivee: Let's. Let's go into this 'cause. This is great. It sometimes it is an external force and you have to do that. You have to do some introspection, but the introspection I agree with you. It's connecting the dots that already exist. (Hamaria: Yes.) I coach clients who sometimes they're looking at it, don't know what I should be doing and I say but you already know it's in there, you know, and our job as coaches just to get it out of them. It's already the knowledge is already in there somewhere just gotta get it out and. I often refer to it as. There's always been a voice. There's always been a voice, but you ignore that voice or you tell to be quiet or you say oh, but so and so thinks I should do this. Or but my parents accept things. You do this. I can't do that for all these X&Y reasons. 'cause people ask how do I find my purpose? And I'm like, hold on. Let’s take a step back. I'm not gonna tell you, like, here are the five options. ABCD right, what would you say to someone who says that to who says OK, I get it. Like alright I get it. Like I just have to connect the dots, but I actually don't even know where to begin. Like, what do What do you what do you say to them? What do you say when they say I wanna find my superpower?

Hamaria: Yes. So what I do, I have an exercise and I have them write down all the things that they were good at as a kid. What were you really good at when you were kid? Are you good baking or you good at you know, arguing? Are you good at you know, coloring. Were you good at archery? Where you good at hunting? Are you good at computers? Did you like to take stuff apart put stuff back together? Like what? Where you put that as a kid? 'cause. Generally speaking, it's helped the it's you did it before you done it before. Again, it's just a voice that has hindered it. It's amazing the things that happen in our childhood that helps us or hinders us as adults. And so that's what I was, one of the biggest activity that I I go through with them. The second one is they said well you know I can't figure it out still and what I suggest is what have you done in your career so far that you really enjoyed. 'cause either way it goes, it's gonna be a theme. (Arivee: A theme that runs throughout, right.) correct 'cause. It's not gonna be where I just one day woke up and decided to be this. It's it's been there. You may have done it like 1%, 5%, 10% of the time in your career. But you've done it. And so we have to work on helping that other person to recognize they've done it, and now what does it look like where they are in their career today?

Arivee: Yeah. What are you find biggest challenge for your clients in terms of when they have the clarity. They've engaged, they've done the work they have, they have the clarity, but they are hesitant to like actually make them move. What do you think is the biggest challenge they face and why they don't move as probably as as quickly as they probably could. What do you think is that that biggest challenge or struggle they face? Like, what's the resistance there?

Hamaria: Those voices that have spoken to them in the past. (Arivee: Yeah) The people that have set the expectations that other people have placed on them that they've received and accepted and it is shedding themselves because of those things and realizing that it's their life that they have to live and you can't live anyone else is. (Arivee: Yeah.) And every day, if you keep waking up living someone else's dream, you get their results, but not the dream that you were dreaming of. (Arivee: Yes) That's what I think is super important is that this is the life that you've been given. You can't live life or someone else. You can't live. And and then the other part to it is the purpose of what you were put here on the earth for. Then there's a void. (Arivee: Yes) There's a void then your why. There's a void in of who you could have helped too. You could have assisted. What you could have contributed to the world there’s a void because you're not in your right. How do you tell them what I told them? We just worked through it. We worked through those voices. We worked through the words. We work through the looks. We work through the experiences that people have gone through in order to develop a plan and we can I call it an exit strategy. (Arivee: Yeah.) Exit the thoughts and feelings that other people have put on you.

Arivee: I found that too is. It's that and you. You you hit the nail on the head there when you said the expectations and the statements that have been received and accepted right? It's because if you're clear about something, anyone someone tells you is not going to affect you because you know you you know what your path is. It's literally, it's like it'll bounce right off of you. But I do think it takes time. You know some. And that's a lot of unlearning that happens, I think unlearning sometimes is harder than learning something new and applying it. (Hamaria: Oh yeah.) I know. I really. I love that. What about you? Like, have you, do you feel like? In your path and all the different things you've done up to this point. Do you feel like there were key pivotal moments for you. That gave you more clarity or that, you know, pushed you in a new direction or anything like that.

Hamaria: What this is what I've learned throughout my own career, is that I'll do thinking until I feel it's complete. When I feel like I have given all that I can. And I've given all that is necessary. It's totally fine for me to move on. So my AHA moments in my career, actually the biggest AHA moment came when I was writing my dissertation. And I remember emailing one of the what who's considered the Father of positive psychology Doctor Martin. And I sent him an email randomly out of the blue and I say, hey, I'm a little stuck. I wanna provide authenticity, but I don't understand like what it means outside of myself, like other people, how they find authenticity. So he gave me like, some tips on what that really meant in the world of research 'cause I wasn't sure, and one of the things that he said that I thought was interesting, he said. If you keep coming back to something. That is the authentic aspect of you. That's really you. You keep coming back to it. You keep coming back to it. It's like you just like this boomerang where you just gotta keep doing it. You you just you gotta do it like it's something and you just you don't know that it's telling you to do it. So that's what's happened in my career is that. No matter what I've done, I keep coming back to help. And I think from my own self it is out of the abundance that I already know myself, I can freely give? Because if I already was at LAC and trying to figure out who is Arivelle, who is she like, where is she gonna be doing? It's too, too hard to help someone else and your in guessing and your in wanting and you are confused. So, In my own career has just been about how can I help until I'm like cool, OK. I've done my reason for service and now I can move on to something else or move on to a different population is almost like the calling like hearing oh wow maybe somebody else is in in need. What about this group? Oh, really? OK, 'cause I've never been in corporate America until three years ago. My career had not led me to corporate. I did not understand. It’s not an understanding I did not realize that my gifts could be used in corporate, I just knew the government and social services. I was like really now. Corporate America. Interesting. I was like, well, you know what? I'm here now, so I make my mark.

Arivee: Yes, yes, I love that. I love the when I feel it's complete. Yes, I think that's so true for so many people. They don't understand it consciously. They can't articulate it like you have. Right. But they do hit that point in a in a job or like career. If they're like oh, but it's what I know. So I'm just gonna keep going. And I'm really good at it. So I'm just gonna keep going, which I think is fine if you're at a point in your life where you need that stability in your job, but for people who are in a phase of their life where they, they have the flexibility to shift and they resist that, even though their work is they it's complete. You know, I I love seeing people like that shift because they're like they've accomplished so much, and now it's time to challenge yourself in a totally new way.

Hamaria: Yes. And if you don't, you'll be miserable. I hate my job. I'm too fat.

Arivee: I wanted to talk more about positive psychology because you mentioned it and I want people to understand that positive psychology is not Pollyanna positivity optimism all the time. So you could you explain for people who are not really familiar or will have some preconceptions about positive psychology. Can you explain like what it is and how it grounds or coaching?

Hamaria: Yeah, but people generally know about psychology. They this pull from the past and pull up all of that icky stuff. All of the things that has happened that is not being so great and figuring out the triggers figuring out how it happened, why it happened, why did it happen to you, and how can you have work arounds? Positive psychology is how can you take the areas of those negative situations and think about from the perspective of yes, it did happen, but how can you be it? How have you been impowered by it? It did happen. But how can you see it from a different way. It did happen. 'cause again, you can't change it, right? What can you do with it? And if so is instead of taking the baggage like it is from, you know, the thrift store is taking the baggage like his, Louie Vuitton is saying. Well, no, it's some value to this. It's some value in these experiences. And how can you be optimistic? How can you be thankful? How can you be grateful? How can you see the good that can come out of it? Good. Maybe by helping someone else good by being able to overcome. Good. By seeing that you are stronger than you thought you may have been in the past. So it’s not the glass is half full versus the glass is half empty. It’s understanding that there is something in the glass and that you can do something with. (Arivee: I Love that) You know it can give you. You can drink it. You can cook with it. Yeah, you could do some things with it that makes it so that it's not a waste. It is from that perspective of wow. OK, that happened. So what can we do now?

Arivee: Yes. Do you feel like there are any daily practices that help people with framing their mindset in that way?

Hamaria: Yes. I think it's the space of gratitude, not necessarily being grateful for the experience wholly, but for being grateful that you made it out, being grateful that you lived to see another day being grateful that you pay more clarity today. Maybe the from yesterday or last week. So I think that idea of being grateful and the idea of being able to acknowledge the good that you can do despite the bad that may have occurred

Arivee: Yeah, that's so powerful. I mean, reframing perspective is so hard to do. (Hamaria: Yes) it's time we talk about it a lot, but it's so hard to do if you don't do something, you can't just reframe by like thinking about it. I need to think about. It's like you have to do the things. (Hamaria: Yeah.) Like you mentioned gratitude. And one of the things that I do everyday is I have a gratitude journal called the Five Minute Journal. (Hamaria: Nice.) And it's a great. It's just. But it's very quick too because I don't have time. I'm like you have 3 minutes in the morning. You have, right? For yourself, just for yourself. And you just say what? You're three things you're grateful for. What would make today amazing? And then you have positive affirmations. You just use words I'm gonna be today and it really helps with mindset because you've taken even if it's 2 minutes in the morning to set the intention for the day. There is a a note on the bottom of the each page 'cause you fill it on the morning and night where it says something about what could have made today better. And I started feeling bad about things I couldn't get done, so I don't complete that right because you know and everyone but. And so I'm I am, you know, I'm 100% about always growing and trying to be better. And live in to like your full self and your full potential. But I think sometimes that made me be too hard on myself. And when I noticed it, I said, you know what, I'm just gonna pass on that one. I'm just gonna say well made today great.

Hamaria: That's important. It really is it I my first company was called Hamaria Rocks. Everyday, I would say that about myself, even though it was my company name. Yeah, but I said it about myself. And it's very funny. Yesterday I was in US and it was a one of my clients. He did this, this post and the post is like Hamaria Rocks. And I was like, wow, look how that. So actualization gonna comes about, you know. You know you speak those things and then they come back and then it was funny because then my CEO of my line of business, he was like she does rock. I'm like here you go you.

Arivee: Yes, but you mentioned something that is very important. So this actualization manifesting things, (Hamaria: yeah.) Speaking things into existence. (Hamaria: Yeah.) And I think what's interesting is people confuse that with they say, oh, if I just like, talk about it all the time, it will happen. And I'm like, no, it's speaking it, it's owning it. It's being it with what you're doing.

Hamaria: Yes. You have to have action, you know. The thing is is that. If there is no magic bullet to any of this stuff. There's no magic. What’s another thing my clients say, oh man. You know what? Yesterday I brought my magical my crystal ball and I can’t see into the future. Or as it gives twinkle bit what’s her name Tinkel Bell. I don’t have fairy dust. I I don't have it anymore. So I think that once people understand. It’s not a fly by night, situation right gonna happen and you gonna be perfect tomorrow, even in the counseling situation, I have a doctor degree in counseling. I hate counseling people. I hate it. Hate it. (Both laugh) (Arivee: Tell us how you feel.) I can coach people all day long. But counseling people is is draining for me. But I also have learned that we, we and I want people to own themselves. For long time. People are even. Maybe now even now this happened yesterday. To this we were talking about. I was talking about Myers Briggs. And he was like, ah let me guess, yours was like, sure he's like. ENSP. He was like uh what like I'm not to an E. He was like what? You're not a extrovert. Absolutely not. I would have never guessed. So now what I’ve learned about those kinds of things. People make assumptions about you. But I get to tell you my story. So that I can define and explain me. So you don't have to ask any questions. So when he said you're not an E. No, I'm not. But you you sound like you're an E. I'm not. Actually, I'm an introvert. What I would have never thought. But now I get to share my story and I think that that is what people don't own. They don't own people percep, own people's perception instead of their own understanding of who they are. You could tell me all day long. Hamaria, but you look and sound like an extrovert? It don’t matter what you think. It doesn't matter at all your perspective. I'm telling you. What? Who I am. And that is what people I think are afraid of. They are afraid of correcting people. They are afraid to say no actually does that’s not who I am, but I can't tell you what I am. That's what I think people, they get so afraid of. Sharing. Oh my gosh, no, that's not me. People perceive things. Nope. That not who I’am. And you gotta be OK with it. And so a lot of a lot of people, they're not.

Arivee: That that goes back to we're talking about before Hamaria, when we were talking about how people receive and accept the perceptions and expectations of others. And when you when you say that people are afraid of correcting people, it's at it's it's also like people are afraid of through their actions doing something different from someone's perception of them. (Hamaria: Yeah, yeah.) You thought I was just, but I'm actually this and I'm that 'cause. That's me.

Hamaria: Yes, but that's the doing. You you gotta put it to you gotta be like, no, that's not why. Let me share with you who I am like. I want you to be very clear who I am. And then because. You gotta teach people how to treat you. (Arivee: Right, right.) 'cause, who else is going to teach them? And that is one of the biggest things like you talk about unlearning, that is a part of the unlearning process. (Arivee: Yeah.) You gotta stop just saying well that’s just who she it, but it is really not. Then make you know what I'm changing and I'm different. Or I really it's kind of been this all along, but I accepted this.

Arivee: Yes. And then this all along, but I've accepted this other thing.

Hamaria: Cause that's what happens to many people, they accept who other people have defined for them, and I refuse to allow people to define me even in my all my team. When I was when I let my own business, I refused to allow of people. I'm gonna teach you who I am. And The thing is, is that I want to learn who you are. So it's not one sided. I want us to be learning each other now as we learn each other, we work better together.

Arivee: Yeah. And I you know, and it's funny. 'cause. I've been on the receiving end of, you know, if I'm mentoring someone for a very long time and they decide they wanna shift completely. And they they're very hesitant to share with me. They'll be like, you know, I've been thinking a lot and actually feel like I don't wanna, you know, be allure anymore. I wanna do this. I'm like, that's great. That's fantastic. They're like, oh, I'm like, listen, I'm like you. You can do anything that you want to do if you're clear about what your purpose is, what guides you, what you're at, the inner compass is saying. I'm done with this. I really am. I'm attracted. My energy is going over here. I feel fire about this other thing. Do it there. Do it if you can do it, do it. And I think people. I also think people tell themselves stories of what other people will think. (Hamaria: Yes) instead of back to real, having the conversation and doing it.

Hamaria: Yeah. Most of the stuff that we say to ourselves is not real. Not true. And will never happen. My favorite question is, what's the worst that can happen? And I wanna hear it. What is it? Tell me the worst thing it can happen. (imitating someone) What if so and so. Well have you heard no before. (imitating someone) Well yeah! Is it the worst thing you know it's like. (Arivee: Right.) I mean, I’m gonna do this thing, is the world gonna end if you make this decision. Absolutely not, you know. It is. It's a rewriting the story who told us how we write a story. In a lot of the times, the story that we've told is a lie. (Arivee: Yes) it's a lie. It's not real. (Arivee: Yeah.) Will never happen.

Arivee: And even even sometimes when you say like worst case scenario, the person says uh, my parents or like someone else tells me this or that. And then I sometimes I'll say to my coaching clients. And what if that happens. (Hamaria: Right. Me too.) They're like, I'll, I'll move on. I'm like, correct you own. You will always move forward. You and then you, you know, and then you know, this is a coach you point at how they've done in the past. You. You always move forward and you're strong and you learn. Yeah.

Hamaria: And one thing I tell people all the time. Stop it. It's not even real. It's not even real. Stop. Well, what happened? Stop. What if? Stop. Just stop.

Arivee: But imagine if that person doesn't have you there, you know how that you know how that goes. You get on that thought train and then it just. Whoa, that train goes to somewhere bad.

Hamaria: It's so bad. Is that real? Is that real? Or my thing is I tell people. When they tell me like these big, huge stories of the what could happen. I’m Like wow you have some great power. And this is what you're choosing to use it for. Not choosing to use it for the good of yourself. You are choosing to take up space in your mind for such an elaborate story and very unlikely to happen. Instead of putting your energy into something that could happen.

(Arivee: And you can direct) And you could do it, yeah. I hate when you do when you do that. You're welcome. You're welcome.

Arivee: So good, this is so good. This is such good. This is such good stuff for the audience. They, they, they. They need to hear this stuff. I would love to know. Switching gears a little bit, I would love to know. 'cause you have great advice, right? You have great advice for people. I'm wondering what advice has been given to you in the past about your career, even just life.

Hamaria: Oh. I've always kind of been the person that has the machete. And has to knock down my own pathway 'cause. There's no one that really has been there to help me along the way. My mother, she had two masters degrees and so she said one of my children needs to get a doctorate. That was what I had for my advice. (Laughing) I'm the last child. Try. (Arivee: Yeah.) Compared to the other Folks they haven’t even gotten bachelors yet. I'm like. (Arivee: It's you.) Guess it’s me. I haven't really had much advice with my career. What I’ve had is. I've had research to help me to see the uniqueness of who I am. Which helped me to own it even more. Because when I was studying authenticity. I Honestly, so my my dissertation was about to finding the authentic self and it was about surveying women and really trying to understand what was off the up where, what, how the authenticity kind of collided with, who they were as a person, their sexuality and their religion. And I realized that I had not been anything else other than authentic because big based on what I said about my parents, they let me be myself. They like. They just let me be. They just. I was loud when I was little, still loud from now, you know. My mom used to say I was always. I was so funny. I'm. I think I'm funny. At least myself now. And they let me be. So I think that actually was the greatest thing my parents did for me, even if they didn't say it. Greatest thing I received as a gift was for my career, for my life was to let me be myself. I dress like a boy probably sh, my mother told me when she was right before she passed away. She's like I was really concerned that the way you were dressed and I didn't know what was going on. I just was real concerned that you never would look like a little girl. That you always gonna be a tomboy, but she never told me so. I was 30. Like I never knew that that's what she thought. She just let me be myself. And. Through that experience, I always had that to to lean on was that. How? How? I was who I was. How I could do this on or accomplish it? That was, I don't know. So it wasn't it advice? It wasn't like someone like. Yeah, you should do this. And then the things that have come to me have just been interesting. So I got into positive psychology because I read an article about gratitude and being grateful every day. And so I was like, oh I’m Grateful, I say that every day, right? I do that, so I started reading more about it. Then it was like, OK, I got into industrial organizational psych is because I read a book about change management and that was one of the concepts in order to change 'cause I was trying to help my client and their change management 'cause I was like, well, if I don't know about something, I'll read it myself and I was like, oh, cool change management. Oh, what is this word, this term, organizational psychology. Oh you can help change organizations. You know what I probably should learn more about it. That's how I do things, so if it sparks my interest. If it is something that I'm like I wonder how. I want to know little bit more about this, than I do it. So it's not a person saying to me to do it. It's just something inside of me that just like, you know what, though that would be cool if you do that. Yes, that's a good answer, but that's just kinda how it is. So I'm I got the machete. I'm like, knocking stuff down like hey. We could do this, you know. Let's go. Let's go do this and. I tell people this too. I think if I knew then. You know, or in my earlier career when I know now, I would have taken a different career pathway actually I would have gone into like project management, change management, organizational leadership first. Instead of social work. But I appreciate social work because the human element that I can pull from is helpful. 'cause people are people. (Arivee: Yeah, organizations are made up of people) Made up of people.

Arivee: Yes. Oh no. But that, you know, when you tell the story, even when you were sharing more about your family. And the way you were raised. You know few minutes ago. What really is striking to me is that your your parents loved you unconditionally, and (Hamaria: yeah.) and you then in turn, could love yourself unconditionally. And say that there’s nothing wrong with the way that I am, I am myself and my parents love me for me. And they didn't have to tell you that.

Hamaria: Right 'cause? I didn't know. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know about this. This everybody was raised. I did not know. Yeah. No, I honest to God, I did not know until I started studying for authenticity. I did not know people didn’t have this. So when it came to like the idea of being inauthentic, it was so intriguing to me. Because. That had never been my experience. I didn't even know. What that looks like, I didn't know what that would feel like, and I felt was such compassion for people. That they've had to deal with that in their experience, in their life. So. That's one of the things that I was like, well, heck, I'm good at this. I'm gonna be good at helping people get past that inauthentic space to authenticity because I want everyone to feel this freedom, want everyone to know that this is it's a greater life when you are just OK with being OK with you. I'm not having these voices 'cause I don’t have these voices telling me what could should I don't have not one 'cause none of those voices matter. The only voice that matters to me is mine. My voice. And then the beauty of it is I get to choose. What my voice says, what my voices are part of. How my voice contributes and when my voice shuts up, you know so. I don’t have nothing to say. But it's it's my choice. And this saddens me when people have had experiences that has clouded that voice. And So what coaching helps me to do is help people, at least in one capacity 'cause I know if they learn the tip that trip, they learn how to do it it will spill over to everything everything else. They learn how to remove those voices. They'll do the work. And have this epiphany about their career, but they really are having their epiphany about life.

Arivee: Yeah, because career people think career and life are separate, like but they're there they're the same thing. You are a person. You are a person who is listening and part of living is working, so they're not separate. You cannot separate them. Oh, but you know, and. And as you as you're talking about. You know, being OK. Um, how to be OK with who you are. (Hamaria: Yeah) Really owning that. I think of all the research on, you know, worthiness and being enough and and I even think about like my, you know, my my background and with the way I grew up and how I saw the people grew up and there it's a lot of you need to do this so that you look like this so that you can be this instead of you just be you and that's cool. And then when you were in adult, you have to literally you have to backtrack and you have to say, Oh no, no, I'm gonna own who I am today. (Hamaria: Yeah.) Past is what happens. It is what it is. But I I do think that gets into. This worthiness piece in this enough this piece and how we look at life but what we don't have what we are not instead of honoring like who we are and what we are and we can contribute like what you're saying.

Hamaria: Yeah, I remember my 6th grade going into the 6th grade had on this up and it's. I don't know if it's like a life defining moment probably wasn't, but it was kind of cool. I remember having all this this jumpsuit and and this jumpsuit is multi colored. And it was um had green and orange in it. So remember, having on a green shoe in orange sock and orange shoe and a green sock. And I was so excited about this outfit 'cause I was gonna kill him. You hear me? First day I was gonna kill these people. It's gonna be great. So. Um. I remember like step down the models like, that's what you where's I was like. Yeah. Like I'm finna give it to the. Yeah, girl. Feeling good. And you know what The thing is, is that. My friends were like why you got all those colors? I'm like 'cause I want to. My mom told me I look good. You know? It was like it was just me. It's just who I was. And having that confidence and she could have, like, shut me down. Like you look so terrible. You why do you have all that want? Like why you don't have to do all of that. You don't have to be all of that. And I don't think parents really gets Um how much damage they can do to a child in an instant in a moment (Arivee: Absolutely) Cause they can't revolutionize the way they are how they. Or they are rest of their lives if they don't get some help in and seeing the the damage that has been done, but I always think about that moment that it could have gone another way and my mom again. She's like, she's like, I remember that outfit, but she's like, OOOO A lot of colors, but if she like it.

Arivee: Yes, it's it's true less. And you know as I I was obviously not raised the way that your mom raised you. Like my my very different. It was like, no, you gonna wear this. You gonna do this very different. And so I had to do. I've had to do my own nlearning right. But the way that I raised my daughter is like that is like, oh, you picked that outfit out, OK. I mean all different colors, but you know, you you, you go you. Right. Like sometimes she's the one that she doesn't wanna brush her or, like, put a thing in it or what? I said, you know what do you like you go and she's like, OK, and then she'll mess up anymore. And I literally don't care. Like, I'm like, if this is who you are, do. Like do it. (Hamaria: Yeah) Especially when your child. (Hamaria: Yeah) everything your parent says to you matters affect you. And so I'm. And I'm super aware of that because of my own childhood that when when she tells me mommy do you like this. I’m like, looks great.

Hamaria: Yeah. My mother said if it didn't hurt you or someone else, it doesn't matter (Arivee: Exactly) She didn't have to like it, but if it doesn't, didn't hurt you and someone else is, it didn’t matter. (Arivee: Yes) I used to wear some weird stuff like and just like going back to my childhood. She just let me do whatever. But she was just like, you know, whatever you know. Do what you think is best and I appreciated that and my my father was the same way he just. I had this thing like I could do it by myself. You know I'm the smallest of the group. I'm the last of the Mohicans. I can do it by myself. Well, you know I could do it by myself. And that’s what I’ve done. I been able to do it by myself and been able to accomplish things. Um, because I was never told I couldn’t. And even though there is some things and and I don't wanna say that, it's not that I am not of aware of what has gone on in the world, in the United States as relates to cultural background, it's not that I'm unaware, but I am unapologetic for who I am. And I'm gonna make you love me, even if you don't want to. So get ready. And that's what I think, 'cause. I think I can just do whatever I want. Like. Oh ok, so that’s how you feel. Challenge! I got you I'm coming for you. You know, that's just kinda how I’am. (Arivee: Yes) How it says goes too. Oh they said I couldn’t do something. Nice. (Arivee: Now it's on.) It's on and popping now. Like cool. I like that. I'm glad you said that I couldn't do it. So when I get it done. I’ll back. Don’t worry.

Arivee: Yes, yes, yes, I I I just.

Hamaria: If anything, it's just knowing that I can do anything that I choose to put my mind to. And I. And if I this is the other thing. If in the middle of it, I'm like I don't even care anymore, that's OK too. It's OK. 'cause if I have proving the point within myself like it's not even worth it or it it doesn't happen often, but it's like why am I even out here for. Forget these folks, you know? Or like what they came up with as a challenge I was able to create a solution and to help somebody else 'cause that’s all that gets me going. It's like oh, well if you think this. Somebody else that thinks it too. So let me create a solution for it that's gonna not just help me, but help somebody else.

Arivee: Yeah. Yeah, create a solution that helps, not just me but other people. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

Hamaria: Yeah. Now, I’m still gonna come back and be like in your face. Naw I’m just kidding. Just kidding.

Arivee: Oh my gosh, this is been such a great conversation. I'm I wanna. I want. I think this is a good place to to wrap up with a final question for you that I ask everyone that comes in the podcast and that is what um. What does rising with humility mean to you.

Hamaria: You know. I think one of the greatest things that leaders. Have been missing is humility. And as we move forward and as we progress this. In leadership and leaders of our families, leaders of our tribe leaders and our community leaders at work, leaders in our companies. If we miss out on how we got there? If we miss out in the voices, the people they experiences that helped to shape us. If we forget the important life lessons that we've learned along the way. And we are no longer operating in humility. Then there will be chaos because if you are not a person, that rises continues to move forward, continues to progress in and have that internal perspective of gratefulness and appreciation. Then you start to behave that way. Start to behave in a way that hurts others. You behave in a way that eventually will hurt yourself. So the importance for me rising in humility is like it being a fact. Like fact check that I get to check myself. Am I still considering others? Check. Am I still concerned of the well being of someone else? Check. Does that make me a better person? Check. Then that keeps me rising and I think that that is the most important and I can.

Arivee: Oh, that's beautiful. I love that. This is been such a great conversation Hamaria you have no idea.

Hamaria: Oh, I appreciate. Thank you for inviting me. It's been wonderful.

Arivee: Thank you so much for coming on. I'm gonna. I'm gonna have you on again for sure. So no this has been fantastic. Thank you so much. And we're gonna be talking to you again very soon.

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Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoy the conversation with Hamaria just as much as I did. Here are the key takeaways from our conversation. Number one. Don't give anyone power over determining who you should be and what you are meant to do? Be unapologetic you. Number 2. Own the things you're really great at and own all of your gifts. Number 3. One way to tell it could be time to move on from your current job, is when you feel like you've given all you can and what you set out to do is pretty much complete. You feel like your work and the value you can bring is done. Number 4 A key sign that tells you something aligns with who you are and what you are meant to do is if you keep going back to that same thing over and over again, that thing you keep going back to is really true to you, so don't ignore that. Number 5. Teach people how to treat you. And that means you may have to unlearn the ways you've permitted people to treat you in the past. Number 6. Rising with humility means fully appreciating and owning how you got to where you are. And all the experiences that shaped you. And understanding that you're still learning and growing to continue to make progress. My friends, if you want to connect with Hamaria and I encourage you to do that. You can reach her on Instagram. Her handle is @DoctorhamariaC. You can also reach her on LinkedIn and Twitter. Also, don't forget to subscribe to this podcast so you don't miss an episode if you want my weekly dose of inspiration and motivation, click the link in the show notes to subscribe. And if you've been asking yourself how to figure out that next step in your career. I've got a career clarity guide just for you. It's a framework with questions for you to work through. Check out the show notes for the link. Until next time, keep stepping into how incredibly powerful you are.

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