Episode 60 Transcript.
I am in a place of really pouring back into myself in new ways, and one of the ways that I have always poured back into myself, although I am literally half extrovert, half introvert, like I am right on that line in, in the. But one way I pour back into myself and how I do get energy is by being around people, by being around people in person, and being around people who share my values, being around people who give me energy, being around people who inspire me, who are doing things that I find to be courageous because it makes me wanna be more like, , and I'm specifically talking about a coaching summit that I was at for four days [00:01:00] and just picture 800 coaches in the same room talking about their practice, you know, us getting coached, us coaching each other and
talking about issues our clients face, talking about issues that we face, mindset shifts. We have to make mental blocks that we experience, and it was four days of insights. So much learning. , so much joy. There was a lot of dancing there, a lot of music and dancing. There was a lot of energy in the room every morning.
You know, when we would start, there was always a, a song playing and people were always very energetic and enjoying that. And that was great to be around. I mean, who, who's dancing and playing music, you know, at nine in the morning and then jumping and clapping. This is the way it was for four Days, , and it was.
and bringing that joy back into my life in this way, in an event in person for four days. [00:02:00] It's something I hadn't done since early 2019, right before the pandemic. Literally right before the pandemic. So this was such a great opportunity to help me fill that Joy cup again and that rejuvenation cup again, because we all have to.
Do that and yes. Was it hard to leave my family for four days? Yes, it was, especially when a week before I was supposed to leave, my husband said, wait, you're going to where? Wait, I, we didn't talk about it. And I said, yes, we did. I sent reminders. I put it on the calendar and I have sent you multiple texts.
And he said, I. . Okay. We went immediately into action mode. Okay, what do we have to do? How can we set you guys up for success while I'm gone? But that's hard cuz the, the kids are old enough where well, at least two of them are where they tell you they don't want you to [00:03:00] go. But I told them, Hey, I love you and I'm gonna miss you and I have to do this for myself.
So all those things can be true at the same time. And so what I really wanted to spend some time in this episode talking to you about. is something that actually came up during the summit. One of the questions we were asked to think about and then share in small groups. was, what are the questions that you ask a person who's thinking about coaching with you?
Like what are the five questions you ask in that first discovery call? That first call you have with them to see if you'd be a good fit? Like what are the questions you ask? And so what I wanted to share with you is a twist on that, right? I'm gonna share with you a twist on the questions I'd ask, but these are questions that for you, you can ask yourself.
At any time, literally at any time in your life, you can ask these questions, although I would suggest that you ask them, like you put these in your toolbox [00:04:00] as questions to ask yourself when you're going through a time in your life where things seem uneasy, where you feel tension in the day, that you feel resistance.
in what you're doing every day. Sunday comes along, you think of the work week and you're feeling a little dread. You're feeling a little dread or maybe a lot of dread, or you've been going through a transition in some way. Maybe it's a personal life transition, like becoming a new mom or having two kids, or even when you started being hybrid at work, or maybe you're remote now, or maybe you're onsite, whatever it is for.
whether it's a transition, an issue, a challenge, you're starting to feel differently about your life, but not in a positive way. I would pull out these questions and ask them, ask these questions to yourself. because when you sit [00:05:00] down and you think about them, and then you know how I am y'all, you know, I like a good writing exercise.
If you sit down, you think about them and you write out your answers or talk to someone about your answers, someone you trust, someone who won't judge you. Or even read your own answers out loud to yourself to hear yourself. That's really important to do cuz it again allows you to confront yourself, confront your truth.
And I, I use confront very intentionally confronting is to face directly face. When you are able to speak out loud, what you have written in terms of your answers, how you feel, where you're going, what's going on, that makes it a little bit more real, like a little bit more real, and that little bit matters a lot.
So here are the three [00:06:00] questions that I invite you to ask yourself even if you wanna do it. , right? While you listen to those podcasts, take a few minutes, pause it after each question, even on an app on your phone, type your answer. The first question is, where do you need more clarity in your life right now?
Where do you need more clarity in your life right now? You could also ask yourself a little flip to this question is, and what areas are you clear and what areas are you. You could flip it again and say, in what areas am I unclear about what I want in my life? But the point of the question is to answer where are you lacking clarity?
That's the point of the question. So for instance, if you are thinking about, and I share this example because it's one that I talk to women a lot about, [00:07:00] there's sometimes a question. , okay. I have a job that pays me well, but it's not working for my life. And when I say that, I mean it's not working for my life because.
it's, this job is taking up a lot of my time and my energy, and I, and I can't really do that anymore. I, I value other things a lot, and I'm not able to spend the time and energy on the other things that I really love, like my family and myself, , and my self-care. I'm not able to do that as much because of this role.
And spoiler alert, every time I talk to a woman about this, what ends up happening is d. , the answer is not always leaving the job. That's not always the answer for them. That's not always how it works out, right? I talk to women who will say, you know, I have this job, and it's good. It's, it's good. It's [00:08:00] good.
You whenever hear someone say It's good, you know, it's good. You, you can read in their you, you can hear it in their voice. That it's, it's good. It's okay , but there's more, there's obviously more that they want out of it and they're not getting it. So they say, oh no, this is good. This is good. But I just, I don't know.
I'm, I'm looking for something different or I don't know why it's not good. or, you know, what's good, but I, I may wanna do something else. Or there is some kind of confusion about what's going on in that situation, right? Or you have the person who says, oh, I don't know if I should stay in this role or this job because a lot is going on.
I'm very busy. I don't have time and energy for the other things that I really want to spend time and energy on in my life. Or, there are many other scenarios. . The point is that sometimes when you do the work of getting clear on that thing that you're unclear about, and I'm talking [00:09:00] about a lot of people who overthink already, like they've done the talking to the mentors, they've done the talking to their families, they've done the talking to themselves, they've done the pros and cons.
You know, they've done the risk benefit analysis. They've done all those things, and what's left is a. what's left is actually the thing. The thing you need to do that you may not wanna do, the call you need to make, that you don't wanna make, or that you feel like you can't make, or you feel it's too hard to make, that's what's left, right?
And so sometimes in those situations, I've had women actually say, okay, I'm gonna stay, and then I have a plan to exit in a year. , like they give themself a timeline, right? Because they, they wanna get their ducks in a row. They wanna give themselves some more time, or they wanna make sure they get paid their bonus.
Totally fair, right? Whatever works for you, you do that thing. Or I've had women actually leave and their employer says, oh, you know, we don't want you to like leave. Leave. How about if you just take a sabbatical and [00:10:00] come back, or you take a sabbatical and then you think about whether you wanna come. and then I've had women who will stay and they say, you know what?
I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna, but I'm gonna spend the next like six months trying to figure this out, trying to see what else is out there, but I'm gonna still work my tail off here. I'm gonna stay focused. That's all fine. That's an example of an area where, so. One could be unclear, right? You're unclear about like where you're at in your career or your job, what you want, what you're looking for, cuz something doesn't feel right.
So that would be something you would be thinking about. Maybe it's not clear for you, maybe at some other area of your life, but that's an example of where a person in those situations could ask themselves. Where do I need to get more clear right now in my life? Where am I lacking clarity? Hmm. I'm lacking clarity in what I want in terms of my job.
Hmm. And then digging deeper into that, why am I lacking clarity? So a second question you could ask [00:11:00] yourself, that's the clarity question, and that could be a whole spectrum of stuff. It could be I'm lacking clarity on how to do this new mom thing. I'm lacking clarity on who I am as a person, being a new mother or a mother of two or three.
I'm lacking clarity. Who am I as a leader? I'm lacking clarity on what my values are. I mean, you get the picture. There's a whole range of things that that could bring up for you, and there are no wrong answers, right. . Second question is, what is the one area of your life you need to improve on the most right now?
What is one area of your life that you need to improve on the most right now? Now, I didn't say what area you'd like to improve. I said, what's one area you need to improve the most in your life? Right? . Again, that's intentional because the area of your life that you need to improve the most right now, that's probably the hardest area to work on, [00:12:00] and that's why you have to do it first.
It's the toughest, and it's supposed to be that way. You need it. You need it, you need it. It's gonna be harder. So, for example, if an area of your life that you needed to improve the most right now is taking care of yourself, taking care of your mental and emotional and spiritual health and your wellbeing, that could be a massive one for you.
Recognizing that, okay, this is where I need to focus my attention. This is where I need to make a change. I'd ask you, okay, this is gonna be the third question for you. Then you'd ask yourself, okay, what am I willing to do to improve that area? What am I willing to do to improve that area of my life? Now, when I say, what am I willing to do to improve that area of my life, what I'm talking about is what are the changes you are willing to.
These changes are going to be uncomfortable. You are not going to like them at first. You're not gonna like the way it feels at first to make the change because it's, [00:13:00] and that's true for everybody. It's true for everybody. That change can be uncomfortable. It often is. Before you experience the benefit of it, right.
Sometimes it's not right. Like a change in going from your house to the beach. No. That change is not uncomfortable. That change is glorious and amazing and gosh, I wish we could all live on the beach all the time, but we cannot. Well, maybe you do, which is amazing. , but for most of us, and we're making a change related to an area of our lives that we need to improve on the most.
Oftentimes that change is uncomfortable. There's discomfort, there's fear, there's doubt, there's uncertainty. All of those things are normal in terms of the way that it makes you feel. That's normal. That's part of the human experience in the quickest way to move through. All of those roadblocks. The quickest way to get your mindset to [00:14:00] shift, to actually improve the area of your life that you want to improve is to do the next right step.
If you are a fan of that very popular Disney movie with the Two Sisters, the most recent movie. It's the next right thing, and if you have daughters or you have children, you may know this movie and you may know that song. So what's the next right thing? What's the next right step that you have to take to create that change you need to create in your life?
If for you it is self-care, just to give you an example. If for you it is self-care, which, you know, from listening to this podcast, we consider that to be self-love. Like a deep act of self-love is to take care of yourself. It's the ultimate form of, of love to do that for yourself because you love and you adore yourself.
You wanna be here for the people you love. You wanna be here for the people that you care about. You wanna show up for yourself. You wanna [00:15:00] show up for other people. . So when you rest, when you carve out time to rest, when you decide that you want to spend the first 10 minutes of every day, get up earlier and meditate, you decide you want to go exercise, you decide you want to take every three months, you're gonna take a certain amount of time off from work, not to go on vacation with other people or your family, or maybe that is it for.
Maybe it's to go somewhere by yourself. Maybe it's to build in a routine where you give yourself some space each day. Maybe it is saying, you know what? I'm gonna watch that show I love. You know what? I'm gonna call my friends and we're gonna do like a girl's night out. a girl's dinner date. Self-care doesn't always have to be it.
I think it can be, but it doesn't always have to be the massage and the pedicure [00:16:00] and the journaling. Although I think journaling is so important, you know that. But it's also about like connection. Connection with other people, connection with yourself, reinvigorating the joy, bringing that out, doing things that you find fun and interesting.
like I think self-care could be learning self-care, developing yourself, self-care, growing yourself, all of that. There's such a spectrum of things that you could do to take care of yourself a little bit better, right? And again, only you know what really would, would resonate and work for you. So those are the three questions, right?
Number one, to recap, where do you need more clarity? Right? . Another way to ask it, where are you lacking clarity in your life right now? Second one is, what is the one area of your life that you need to improve the most right now? And the third is, what are you willing to do to improve that area? What is the next [00:17:00] right step you need to take to make the change?
To improve that area, and then you ask yourself that question again. You do that step, okay, what's the next right step? What's the next right step to make it manageable so that it's not overwhelming and doesn't cause confusion? I know you can do that. You can do one right step. . You know, when we were talking through, remember I'm giving you these questions as if you could ask yourself these questions, so I've changed them a little bit.
Right? But when we were talking about these questions, because I had to share, you know, what would my questions for or potential client be. And so I shared a variation of what I've just shared with you. But I had some other questions that I, that I do ask, but something that kept coming up for a lot of us was people who say, I don't have time to think about these things.
like, I just don't think, I don't have time to think about, I don't have time to even like brush my teeth. I don't have [00:18:00] time to think about these things. My days just go into days. They go into the next day, it goes into the next day, and I'm constantly moving. I'm constantly doing something. I don't have the time to sit down and journal.
I don't have the time to sit and try to answer questions in my head. I don't have that time. I mean, we're, and we were talking about this issue because it's one of the big roadblocks that come up. For people's clients. We were just talking about it, and so I wanted to share kind of what the consensus in the group was.
A group of five coaches. I just wanna share it with you so you have it, and when you tell yourself if this is you, again, if this applies to you, if not, just leave it, right? Don't pay attention to what I'm saying right now, but if it's you, listen. Okay. If you're someone who says, I don't have time, like I don't have time to do these questions or answer these questions, I don't have time to think about my life.
I don't have time. To think about what I need to change about my life. I don't have time to make the changes that I wanna make in my life. I don't have time to [00:19:00] do, fill in the blank, whatever you said, you don't have time to do. What we all agreed is the reframe of saying you don't have time is why don't you just say, I am choosing not to do so.
that's important to me, right? Because you'll say, oh, I want to do X, or I wanna do Y, or I wanna do Z. I wanna take care of myself more. I wanna create a routine. I want to make my schedule a little bit better. I want to exercise more. I want to meditate. I want to spend more time with people that I love. But then you say you don't have time.
You should just tell yourself, I could make the time. I make time for things that are important to me, and I'm just not choosing to make that time. Right. And maybe some of you were like, ah, listen, and we talked about this at the summit too. The job of a coach is to push you and challenge you to me, with love and compassion, right?
We push and challenge with love and compassion [00:20:00] to get you to do the things that you want to do. , but you have so many roadblocks that you're like, no, I can't. No, but you can so many times it's just a reframe in how you're thinking about it. Sometimes it's just taking steps and actions to get there, to make your decisions real, right?
And so when something is important to you, you will make the time. Cuz you know when something's important to your boss. You make the time, you know, you do it. Don't even lie, you know you do it. So do it for you too. The other roadblock we were talking about. Again, if this applies to you, awesome. If not, leave it right.
This is the all, everything that I say is an invitation, right? , it's an invitation to explore. So the second roadblock that we were talking about was when people say, oh no, I really wanna do this. I really want to make this change, or I really need to change this, or I really wanna do this more or do this less.
And, but then they say, oh, but it's, but it's [00:21:00] hard. Like, this is really hard and I don't know how I could do it. And this is overwhelming. And, and there's just so much going on. I mean, you can sense the stress in my voice because that's exactly how it can. . That's exactly how it can feel to people. And the thought of doing the thing is just overwhelming for people cuz it's difficult to make the change again.
It is. It can be uncomfortable. We can be afraid of it, what it means, what will happen if we do it. And so when we were thinking about the reframe, some of us were talking about how do. Reframe that so you can see what that really means. Meaning if you want something to change or you want to make a change in your life, but you are also giving yourself the excuse, cuz that's what it is, it's an excuse.
You're also saying, oh, it's hard. I'm overwhelmed. But you're saying you wanna do the thing and then you're giving the excuse why you can't do the thing. Why don't you just say, . I'm not willing to do what I need to do to get what I [00:22:00] want. Right. That's what you're really saying. When you give yourself these excuses, while you can't do something you actually need and want to do, what you're saying is, no, no, no.
I'm just not willing to do what I need to do to do the thing. I'm just, I'm just not willing. And we were talking about the fact that it's okay. There's no judgment here. It's okay if you're not. To do what needs to be done to make the change you wanna make. That's okay. As long as you accept that, that's okay, as long as that's okay for you.
If it's okay for you, then that's fine. No judgment. And because you live your life, no one lives your life for you. I say it all the time because it is so true. No one has the right to judge you for your decisions. If you say, I wanna change this, but you know what, I'm just not willing to do the thing I need to do to do the change.
As long as you accept that and you are okay with that, fine. It's when you don't accept that, that's where a lot of your tension keeps coming [00:23:00] up. So then maybe you need to make a different decision, right? Or maybe you say you accept it, but you really don't. Then you have to make some changes, take some action to change the way that that feels for you.
You know, this coaching summit we went to is a massive investment in ourselves as coaches, and I'm always stunned by how many coaches come to these, these events and how amazing they are and how much I learned from each one of them. When we get into small groups and even when we're doing the. Plenary sessions, I learned so much and I'm so grateful for the experience.
I'm so grateful to be in a room with people who inspire me and motivate me, and who have all these different experiences that I'm learning from, and I'm looking around, I'm like, oh my gosh, 800 people, 800 people decided they were gonna take time off of work, off of their work as coaches, off of their work.
If they're doing, they do multiple things. , they took time away from their families, time away from things that also [00:24:00] matter to them, and they were there investing in themselves, investing in their craft, investing and learning, investing in having a new experience, investing in being vulnerable with other people.
we were all investing in ourselves. Four days of doing that. Expending a lot of energy, but feeding off of so much energy at the same time. And it's so true that very few people invest in themselves, like invest in themselves to really develop themselves and grow and evolve. And when you decide. To take a look at your life, and it doesn't have to be your whole life, right?
You could say, Hey, I'm really struggling in this one area. When you take the time to dig deeper into that and kind of figure out what's going on there, why you're struggling, what you can change, how you can make your life better, how you can challenge yourself to make it better, and be willing to go through the discomfort to get what you want, that's an [00:25:00] investment in yourself that very few people do.
Very few people have the courage to do. So I'm inviting you to take a leap of faith, take a chance on yourself to show up for yourself in a way where you might have before or you might have not. Either way, try it. I invite you to answer these questions for yourself. I invite you to just think about where you are in life and what could be better.
Where are you really struggling, what's going on there, and how you can make some decisions and take some action or change it cuz you have the power to do. You have the power to show up for yourself in ways that you don't even realize. And then when you do it, you're like, I did that and I'll be your biggest cheerleader, being like, yes, honey, you did.
I'll catch you guys next time.
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